Shiny

The last few days have been emotionally exhausting. 

Introspection does that to me.

So today I am NOT going post to anything angst-y. 

I took a break.  Did my nails. 

Now I can’t stop staring at them!

My nails are pretty and life is good.

Shiny!

Oh My God

Gracious and merciful heavenly Father,
What have I done?
How have I gotten so far from your heart?

It snuck up on me.
Sin.

I listened to lies.
I believed them.
And gradually I withdrew from You.

I still can’t go back to that place.
The church were it happened.
Where my husband gave his heart to another woman as I watched.

I knelt and prayed with her there in that place.
Cried with her there.
I offered her my love, my friendship, my trust.
She took my gifts and betrayed me.

How can I go back there?

Their sin has become a barrier to me.
It keeps me from drawing close to You.
It keeps me from your gifts to me.

I no longer hear your Word.
I no longer receive your Body and Blood, which were once so precious to me.

Gracious and merciful heavenly Father,
What have I done?
How have I gotten so far from your heart?

And how do I get back?

I Swear To Tell The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth

Once upon a time, long before social media became the force to reckon with that it is today, I had a blog.  This was back in 2003 I think.  Somewhere around there.

I called it “Ask A Lutheran”.  The blog title was a throwback to a time when I was active on an ecumenical Christian forum.  We discussed theological topics, mostly from the evangelical Christian perspective. I was the token Lutheran voice in the group and added the Lutheran perspective to the discussion. Some of my earliest followers were readers that followed me over from the forum.

It was kind of a mommy blog – but unconventionally so.  Sometimes I wrote about family.  Sometimes I wrote about faith.  There’s a couple of recipes scattered throughout.  Sometimes I wrote about my deepest troubles, though that wasn’t until close to the end. 

Many of the posts I wrote were theological in nature. Stuff like the efficacy of baptism for salvation. The Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. Christian vocation, prayer, the Liturgy…All discussed from the unique perspective of Lutheranism.

I have strong religious convictions and I don’t shy away from sharing them. Some of the topics I broached were controversial. I was keenly aware that most of my AaL readers were evangelical Christians and some of the concepts I presented were utterly foreign to them. I tried to be sensitive to that.

Over time I became close to a handful of the women with whom I regularly interacted. We developed real friendships. Some of them progressed to the point where we felt comfortable enough to agree to meet in person. I travelled twice to North Carolina to visit with Debbie and her family and Sara and her family travelled from NYC to stay with us for a few days.

Nowadays we keep in touch via Facebook. The blog is still out there in cyberspace but I no longer update it. That season is over. When shit started to get real, I gradually stopped blogging.

Nowadays I write this blog for an audience of one. Me. The voice I use to write may sound like I write for the masses, but ultimately I have chosen to keep this blog private. Because I’m scared, you see.

I fear being judged by others. I’m afraid that somebody I know IRL will stumble upon this blog and recognize me. And then everyone will know what a mess my life has become.

I don’t want people in my life knowing that I’m a bit of a pot-head now and that I whored myself out to strange men during a time of distress. I don’t want people making judgements about my husband’s character because of what he did to me.

My once well-ordered life is in shambles and I don’t want people knowing and judging me for it.

I don’t know why this is important to me. Why am I ok with people believing the sanitized version of my life? Why do I automatically think that if people knew the authentic me they would run away in the opposite direction, screaming?

There are exactly two people in my life that know the whole truth – my husband, and my best friend. Neither of them has run away. Or screamed. Rather, they’ve put their arms around me and embraced me. Told me they loved me and that they would walk beside me as I put the pieces of my life back together. And they have been true to their word.

I do want to share my story – obviously I do, otherwise why would I bother writing it all down?

I feel like I am at a crossroads.

A fellow blogger, Matt, over at Must Be This Tall To Ride, (sorry, no linky love, because I know how SEO works!) seems to be in a similar place and is struggling with it as well. It was kind of comforting to read that I’m not the only one who struggles with this. He seems to be leaning towards authenticity. I think he understands there’s a price to pay for putting it all out there, but I have the sense that he’s gonna take the plunge. I admire that kind of bravery. And in an odd way, it is an encouragement to me as well.

I want the old me back. The me that wasn’t afraid of controversy or the judgment of others.

My husband has a lot of mental health issues. He’s in treatment and working towards recovery; it’s a long, hard process. One of the little “tricks” we’ve picked up along the way is the concept of “exposure therapy” as a way of confronting and overcoming anxiety.

I’m thinking it’s time for a little exposure therapy of my own.

The people who love me are always gonna love me no matter how fucked up my life is.

The people who judge me? Maybe they don’t really matter.

Take a deep breath, Anita. Take ownership of your life. Own the bad stuff along with the good. Its a risk, I know. But you can do this.

Anybody wanna come along for the ride?